what happens when I am not looking at me....(just a little hold my breath, here I go, Jump in, and hope I come back up!!!! )

I have just paused on everything as I feel like I am in the biggest overload ever. This "crunch" is worse then full time work and school, and finally things are falling into place, or are they?
I never know what path to take, and I never know whats really right for me, I never act on impulse allthough I think I do when I am not even looking, and thats when it works best for me. (I think about that and it actually makes sense).
I only know whats in my heart even though that contradicts where my loyalties lye.
Every step I take since I was born has been with an excessive amount of thought and an overwhelming amount of emotion.
I am so different then you, I know that you know it too!
I don't want the same things as you, my heart beats to its own drum, life is nice but I am shooting for the stars!
What happened to me when I wasn't looking, where do I go in my dreams, Why am I this person who fears cjange, and if I fear it so much why do I make it.
I get kicked in the gut everytime I think I am right, doesn't matter I get kicked in the gut when I think everything is fine.
Why do I agonize over peoples thoughts, feelings, and why do I forget my own?
Why does my huge heart that cares for so many get crushed when I am choosing which path to walk on?
Why does change come with so much support from everyone except myself,why do I feel so bad?
My life is hanging in the balance of "can I make it? Can I be me and make it, Life is a gamble isn't that what they say? Did anyone tell life that I am a gamble?
Why can't I just live life rather then researching it? Or why do I have so many reservations when it comes to the obvious next step?
Here I am world - this is me, this is who I will be forever, I have arrived and I have a smile in my heart and tears in my eyes...
I think everything will be fine as long as I am not looking...