Tuesday, August 24, 2010


So I keep trying to promise that I will update my blog, and I have written and just not posted, for various reasons. I like to write its my outlet, sometimes after I let it out, I feel better and don't always need to shere. Does anyone else have unpublished posts hiding behind the scenes of their blog?
So I am finally blogging to tell you all abot the latest OMG in my life, and some of you know and some of you don't. So here it goes lets play catch up. So the last time I posted was June, and its been quite a crazy year, thats prob why I never find time to do this, not to mention that the two jobs get crazier and crazier, and I just collapse when I get home, so I get the feeling "8 days a week" wouldn't have been such a bad idea, because after 5 days I am completely oblivious anyway! Well working 6 days a week, is usually pretty easy for me and I never think twice about it until suddenly I have felt like a sleep deprived maniac. Everything makes me tired, everything makes me cry, I am over exhausted and pretty much this summer I have felt so burnt out.
I knew one day my age would catch up to me, I mean I couldn't go and go  ang go like I do forever, even though I swore I could. I am not a home body, and I am not into "home" things. Sure I want a nice home, but its not my focus. My focus is whats happening where its happening and how can I get involved. I am a gossip junkie and I love being in the know whether it be celebrity, high school crap, or local b.s. I want to know. If a fire truck goes down the street I take a walk, I am so nosey its insane. But at least I can admit it. I can remember being at my mom-moms house when I was young and she alays drew the curtains closed after dinner, and sometimes especially in the summer, ya know neighbors would be out fighting or a cop may stop by someones house and she would peek through the tiniest slit in the closed curtains. I would do it through the other end, and we would chat about it quietly and share what we were seeing, her from her slit and me from mine. And then all of a sudden she would call me a "Haunta House" and clear me from the curtains! This would always crack me up inside! We were doing the same thing together, but I think she always thought I would get her caught! And maybe I would have because in reality I didn't want to hide behind the curtain I wanted to go sit on the curb and get a front row seat! Anyway, I am not a gossip queen in a bad way I can keep a secret really good too. I just want to know the secret, I won't ever tell, I just want to know!
Well the last two years so much crap has gone down in my personal life that I seriously feel like closing the curtains. I can't believe I said it, but its true. I want to close the curtains and turn the lights off, I don't even want anyone to know I am home, and I am getting pretty good at recognizing the culprits in my life and I don't even answer the phone! I don't want to share anything with you because you twist and turn it, so I have cut off communication until I feel its safe!
Its funny how your 30's change you.
Mom Mom, I am losing my "Haunta House" ability. But its ok, I promise!
So I am finding all of my past interests are dwindeling and this whole year of 2010, I have no clue who I am. And the people who I have surrounded myself with my whole life are different too.I have felt like a lonely lady with no real friends, and honestly you can't convince me otherwise. I have been given the chance to be so alone, that I have found the time to do some real soul searching and If you were my friend you would know what am I talking about but you have no clue, and its ok. This is life and I am learning it.Its pretty much every man for themselves, and I got it!

It took a little bit and it took a lot of tears and then in the middle of all this change and learning and loosing, I found out some things...

I found a sickness that lasts all day, and has yet to go away
I found terrible skin, that used to be so clear and tan all year, now breaks out and even gets sun poison
I found swolen feet
I found out that I don't need to smoke, I don't even like it
I found out that smells are disgusting, you smell, I smell, that guy over ther absolutely stinks
I found that my great hair sucks, its terrible its dry and feels like straw no matter what I do to it
I found out that sleeping is all I have wanted to do for the last three months
I found out that you dont really care what I look like, so I don't right now either
I found out that I am so uncomfortable
I found out that I can't even eat a full meal, better yet I don't even like food
I found out that there is an extra heartbeat inside of me
I found out that there is a little baby boy who will be born Feb 3
I found out that he waves his hands around
I found out that he kicks his feet
I found out that his foot is 1.4 centimeters long and I could see his toes
I found out he is only 17.23 centimeters long total

I never planned for this, I can honestly say kids were not something I ever even thought about wanting, but I also found out that this tiny baby that only weighs ounces and measures in centimeters with a heart beat that slams so fast and so loud is going to be a part of my life soon, and for all the not wanting before, I certainly cannot wait for February.
He is the prize inside of life, and for all the crap that has changed me and led me down this road, I can only ask that if I do anything right in my life, please let this be it.